What They Don't Know Has Hurt Us; by Alicia Lanier

In her keynote address at the American Adoption Congress, Joyce Maguire Pavao (EdD, LCSW, LMFT) made a strong case for educating adoption professionals and others about the long-lasting impact adoption has on all members of the Triad.

One of the most obvious ways They have hurt us is the institution of adoption as it evolved in this country in the 1930s and 40s...and how that happened, Joyce opened, explaining how a birth certificate of an illegitimate child once had a red stamp on it that said Illegitimate and how that label affected that person's life. The do-gooders of that day the people who thought they were being helpful and doing the right thing decided that the way to remedy the situation was to create a new birth certificate with the new parents who were adopting these children, thus giving legitimacy to the child as well as opportunities that they were not otherwise being given.

So the amended birth certificate was created out of the goodness of these people's hearts. Joyce said this was done for many reasons, but not to promote secrecy between the birth parents, adoptive parents and the adoptee. It was a nosy neighbor act so that other people involved wouldn't have this illegitimacy stigma to project onto this young person, she explained, adding "What happened in those days has hurt us in many ways and continues to hurt us. These days we don't just have two parents adopting children, we have many single parents adopting children and many kinds of adoption."

An adoptee and therapist in Cambridge, MA, Joyce believes most people in the Triad view all adoption from their own experience: If one is involved in an infant adoption, then that's their idea of adoption. She added most people don't really understand very much about the issues involved for a special needs, international, or transracial adoption.

Joyce told of one family created in adoption through foster care which involved a birthmother with drug and alcohol problems. Joyce said the birthmother was in and out of treatment during her children's early lives and her children were 3 and 5 years when she realized they were in a good foster home. She had visiting privileges and finally asked the foster mother to adopt them and give them a stable home. The two mothers knew each other and felt comfortable and continued the relationship on these terms: When the mother was sober and straight she could come visit the children, but when she wasn't, then it wasn't in their best interests for her to visit.

Joyce said the children are now 15 and 17 and have had a good, solid life with an excellent adoptive mother and siblings. What's happened in the last year is that the birth-mother has gotten her life together for a pretty tragic reason, Joyce continued. She has AIDS. With the services that she has gotten around this medical issue, she's been given housing. For the first time in many years she has a place to live.

The children now want to go back to her because they feel a loyalty to her and want to be with her until she dies because she won't be around much longer. The adoptive mother wants them to have that relationship; she doesn't want to hold them back because she wouldn't be able to live with herself after the birthmother dies if they didn't have the opportunity to be with her at this time.

The problem is that it's not happening fast enough and the kids have run ... they are acting out over many things, Joyce said. One of the things that they most want is they want their birth certificates back. Before their mother dies, they want their original birth certificates to give her the honor and respect of saying that they are her children. Now they love their adoptive mother, but they have this loyalty and need especially in the dying moments to have this connection.

May-June 1996 | Part 2