A Birthmother's Cyberspace Journal (Part 2) By Tina Moher
A Birthmother's Cyberspace Journal (Part 2) By Tina Moher
On the same day she has visited the Fort Worth, Texas, gravesite of the infant daughter relinquished for adoption 13 years earlier, Tina also decides to visit The Gladney Center. Birth-daughter, Sarah, had drowned in the adoptive family's pool at the age of 3-1/2, but Tina was not told until almost a decade later when she called the agency to update her files. Texas law now requires that a birthmother be told of a minor child's death at the time of death.
November, 1996 We got to Gladney and I was nervous at first. When we walked in, I noticed the pregnant girl behind the desk and I remembered that Gladney always staffed with girls who were there. Hell, I did it. I guess that is cheap labor! I asked if Pattye Hicks, the post adoption director, was in and that I wanted a tour. She said, "yes," and asked my name. She called Pattye's office and I heard her say, "Pattye, Tina Moher is here" and that I wanted a tour. The girl then said a few yea's and then told me that Pattye had stepped away from her desk and they were looking for her and she would be right up in a few moments.
Danny said to the girl, "So it looks like a lot of past birthmoms don't just drop in?" She said "yea, sometimes and others do make appointments."
The phone rang at the girl's desk and I heard her say, "I don't know...what? Okay." She then told me that "Chase" wants to talk with me on the phone over in that corner... I said, "Chase, who is that?" The girl did not know.
I picked up the phone and the voice on the other end said she was in post adoption and that Pattye was on her way out the door and that she leaves at 4:30, sometimes earlier on certain days and that no one else was in the office. I said to her, "All I want is a tour, are you saying that there is no one who can do this?" She stuttered and said, "I guess I could give you one, but I can't answer any questions you have." I said that I didn't need any questions answered. (I could tell that she did not want to do this) She then put me on hold and came back on and said to give her two or three minutes and then have the receptionist send me over. I told Danny who was across the room, we have to wait a few. While we waited, Danny pointed out the big statue dedicated to Gladney from Bud Adams, owner of the Oilers.
We then went to Post Adoption and Chase came out and greeted me. She showed me the office area and that awful room where I said good-bye to Sarah. I told her that it was the same room, just looked like a designer re-did it or something - and I still hated it. She walked out to the courtyard and stopped, I asked her if we could go into the dorms and she said that the dorms were strictly off limits and basically the tour was over.
I started asking her all kinds of questions about how it was different today then it was back then. She said that the girls still get food stamps to buy food and they hate that and always complain. I replied, " I see Gladney still has the girls work on the campus." She said, "oh, yes," and "quite frankly these days these girls are spoiled rotten and they have it quite easy here, they do get everything they need for free!"
I said, "yea, food stamps from the government, and free labor for Gladney, and their first-born baby..." Then, I decided to stop and save it for someone who mattered. I knew if I went off on this girl, she would crumble. We walked back into the office, and I saw the board with baby pictures on it, and asked if Sarah's picture was on there, she said "Oh, no...didn't you get one?" I said, "Yea, that's all I've gotten..." I laughed and then left. She knew all about me and even my area code, but knew nothing about Sarah.
And, Pattye didn't even stick around and say, Hi! I thought that they said they were always there for me? And they truly did care for me?
December, 1996
I GOT IT.....
On my way to take my son to school and go into town, I checked the mail and there was a letter from Sarah's adoptive mom. She sent me seven pictures from when she was six weeks old until one month before she died. She was a VERY beautiful little girl!!!
Tomorrow is my birthday and this is the best present I have ever gotten!! Here's the letter from Sarah's mother:
"I just received your letter and although this is a letter that I have written many times in my mind, I am finding it heart wrenching to actually sit down and put into words. It was a beautiful, sunny day. It was November 17, 1982, the day before my birthday. I was getting dressed to go out to lunch with my best friend. The phone rang, it was The Gladney Home. Mrs. Stafford's voice said "Hi, are you ready to come and take your beautiful baby girl home?" I immediately called my husband and we went to Gladney to get Sarah Rachel. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. She had big blue eyes, a little bow mouth, beautiful skin, a perfect little nose, she was perfect in every way. As an infant Sarah was bright, happy, alert, always smiling. She was very feisty--she rolled over at six weeks, started trying to crawl at three months, sat up at six months, got her first tooth at five months and walked at nine months. When she was six months old she was already talking. She said mama and dada and when someone came into the house she said "Ha Dee".
"She loved playing, going places, and getting dressed up. She would look at herself in the mirror and admire herself. Sarah loved life, she loved meeting people, going places and being loved.
We took Sarah everywhere with us. Two or three times a year, we came to Connecticut to visit my family. She had lots of cousins and loved to visit them or have them come and visit us. We went to the beach, to New York City. Sarah went to Broadway plays and out to restaurants. We went to the Children's Museum in New York. We took her to Washington, DC. She went to the National Zoo and saw the giant pandas. We took her to Disney World and to visit her grandparents in Florida. Sarah went to nursery school and had lots of friends. She was very smart and loved to sing and dance. We listened to music all the time and danced.
"Sarah spoke and understood both English and Spanish. She also sang some Spanish songs.
"Sarah's life was too short. She was a beautiful child in every way, inside and out. I know she would have grown up to be a wonderful person that both you and I would have been most proud of. I don't know why she was cheated out of the chance to grow and experience the rest of her life. I only know that for those three and one-half years that I was lucky enough to have her in my life, she brought great joy and happiness into my life. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of Sarah. I still miss her and I always will.
"You gave me and my husband and family the most wonderful gift. I don't have any other words to say that would make you understand how much we loved Sarah and miss her. I wish I could change what happened, but I can't.
"I have enclosed some photographs. I hope this will help you and your family to cope with this great loss. If you have any questions I'll be more than happy to answer them. Please understand this is very hard for me too. I loved her very, very much."
I was excited about getting the pictures of Sarah. I showed them to Danny and cried a little. He did tell me that she looks identical to me. I had a hundred things to do and two job interviews and I was running late. I stuck them in my purse and headed out. I made it until noon. At lunch I took the pictures out and quickly put them away so I wouldn't cry. I got to my 1:00 interview and in the elevator there was a little girl who had blond hair and was all dressed up. I lost it all in the elevator. I ran to the bathroom where I cried really hard.
I decided I needed to just to go home.
A couple of times in the car I realized I wasn't paying attention and wondered how the hell I got on the roads I was on...That's scary. I made it home and now I'm not doing too good.
I think it hurts more seeing the pictures. She is so beautiful and she looks so happy. Looking at the pictures of her I can see my son. I don't know what I'm feeling right now.... I'm sad, angry, hurt.
I'm going to lie down now.
Last updated January 22, 1998