Did you ever imagine yourself to believe one way - and then later discover that you actually felt another way entirely? It may be that as we grow older, most of us touched by adoption face such sit-uations of paradox. I hope so. Because it makes me have faith that sealed adoption records may someday become a relic simply because so many of us who once trusted in adoption secrecy have changed our minds.
I have become aware of my own personal paradox just in the last few years. Today I'm a very visible and vocal birthmother - but only after having struggled for 25 years to be as invisible as possible. Today I find myself talking to anyone who will listen...my hairdresser, tablemates at a luncheon, fellow churchgoers, my family and friends, of course...about the wrongness of secrecy in adoption. This after 25 years of secrecy and silence myself.
My friend Carolyn is in a similar position. We call each other ambassadors for openness in adoption because it seems that anywhere either of us goes...even to such innocuous spots as a class at the local university or to the manicurist or anywhere else...we seem to be magnets for persons touched directly by adoption. They eagerly hear our stories - and then tell us theirs. Carolyn is an adoptive mother who searched for her grown son's birthmother; I am a birthmother who searched. Because of our different triad perspectives, there are whole areas of adoption that we feel differently about - but we do respect each other's experience and we do agree that, after long years of believing in adoption secrecy, we know that all adoptees can benefit from finding out what's in their sealed records. And, talking about our adoption experiences is the first step.
Those of us who not only believe that sealed records are harmful but are also actively trying to change the laws will frequently lament that -- once a searcher has satisfied his or her curiosity and/or has entered into a reunion relationship -- that person rarely will stick around to help change the laws. However, most folks probably are reluctant to become politically active because they think the political arena is a murky, mysterious place fraught with insurmountable obstacles and wheeling and dealing in good-ol'-boy clubs. (Come to think of it, that's probably a pretty accurate belief!) So, it doesn't sound all that attractive to spend energy and hours trying to unseal records so the next group of searchers can simply say 'I want to know' - and it's done.
Admittedly, those of us who searched know there is a sense of adventure in defying social and legal sanctions that hide adoption records... a sense of courageous overcoming as we get first one piece of the puzzle, and then another, and then another, until we have the whole picture...a name, an address, a phone number, and finally the missing-in-adoption person in flesh and blood.
Those of us who were lucky enough to have found must remember that not all are as fortunate. Many persons looking for lost kin find brick walls, with nary a peephole for seeing through nor toehold for climbing over.
Even when we find the truth, there are still false-hoods that will be indelibly etched into history. As example, I simply cannot describe how bizarre it felt five years ago when I first saw my birthson's amended birth certificate. This "Certificate of Live Birth"had factual commentary of his birth... the date, my obstetrician's name, the hospital where I was in labor and delivered him (and later the three daughters I parented as well). But, instead of my familiar name...the reality...and his biological father's name...the reality...instead there were two others' names, strangers to me.
What possibly could have been the legislative rationale for such a legal deceit in 1965 when he was born. Or when adoption records were first legally sealed in most states? Who was being protected with this cleansing? Me? I never asked for it. The adoptee? He certainly never asked for it. The adoptive parents? Who?
Moreover, what rationale is there for continuing to lie in 1996? The stigma of illegitimacy - the reason for "amending" birth certificates in the 1930s-40s in order to give the adoptee a clean slate - no longer carries the dishonor it once did. And here's another irony: Even when today's adoptee is involved in an open adoption, the birth certificate still erases the biological parents and records are still sealed away permanently.
It's time to stop this idiocy. Those of us who have changed our minds about secrecy should also change our paradigm from "every adult adoptee has the right to search" to "every adult adoptee has the right to legally access adoption records." Each of us has the right to talk about this with family and friends. The right to sign a petition or write, fax or call your legislators, both state and national. The right to vote. The right to join groups to learn about the important adoption issues in your state and how you can help get better laws passed. This movement is growing - and many states now have groups committed to changing the laws.
Historically, a state's adoption laws have been conceived and/or supported by adoption placement agencies and practitioners. These "experts" have spoken for those of us who have been touched by adoption. Which, in my opinion, has mostly prevented our real viewpoints from being known.
It's time for those of us touched by adoption to speak for ourselves to the our state Legislatures and Congressional Delegations; to tell adoption agencies and practitioners that we no longer want them to be our voice. To say we want to speak for ourselves about the adoption experience.
That's what many groups across the country are all about. Triad groups like the Texas Coalition for Adoption Reform and Education (TxCARE), the New Jersey Coalition for Openness in Adoption, Adoption Network Cleveland, and many more.
These organizations of adoptees, adoptive and bio-logical family members, and courageous adoption professionals are speaking up. As we begin a new year, I challenge each of you to come up with ways, however small, that you can join this move-ment that expresses love for the notion of civil rights for all individuals - in this case, adoptees.
It's time to give adoptees legal access to their origins. As easily as saying, I want to know.
©1997 The Creative Solution