Emerging from the Birthmother Closet And Finding Death
Emerging from the Birthmother Closet And Finding Death
November, 1996
It has almost been a year since I stumbled onto something relating to adoption on the Internet. I remember finding the alt.adoption newsgroup and reading all those posts and wondering what it all meant. The first couple of posts were from Nightshade. I clicked on one and read about how birthmothers were these awful people. The next one I clicked on was a list with birthmother jokes. I signed off the computer and cried for the rest of the night. I realized: I hadn't thought of this in 13 years.
During the next few days, I signed on and read all the posts. There was one about a girl who placed her child at The Gladney Center in Fort Worth. This was also the first time I had heard the word Gladney in all these years. Boy, did the emotions come full force! I wrote to the girl and asked questions. She wrote back and said she gets regular updates about her child and that I could call Gladney and ask for mine.
When I heard this, it blew me away. My first thought was, that times must have changed, because when I left Gladney, I was told that I could not get any information about my child until the child turned of age and came searching for me. Now I'm being told that I could call and get these things now?
I had been thinking my child is only 13 so I had at least 5 more years to go before I could start hoping for a reunion. But I called Gladney and, after five phone calls in a month's time, they called me back. I picked up the phone and when I heard it was Gladney, I was so excited! Then the news came about my daughter and it ended.
Tomorrow, I'm going to Fort Worth to see the Judge and I hope she gives me my files. And I'm going to Sarah's grave tomorrow, for what reason, I don't know. I'm going to the house that she lived in and died in, for what reason, I don't know.What I do know is that this will not end here. I am angrier then I have ever been, and I want something good to come of all this. I'm really, really scared!
The Following Day, My day for answers...
I woke up this morning feeling like I had a thousand things to do and not enough time. I was bitchy and nobody was doing anything right. I realized it was because of the kind of day I was expecting. I changed my attitude and decided that what I learned today, could be no worse then what I already knew. Sarah, my birthdaughter, was dead.
We were finally on the road to Fort Worth and I chilled out a little. I worked on getting my paperwork together and organizing everything, I did anything to keep busy, smoking cigarette after cigarette. Danny drove it under three hours, when it normally takes four. I must have been really out of it not to have noticed that!
The first stop on the map, which I perfectly drew out, was the home that Sarah lived and died in. I told Danny that I hoped she had lived in a big mansion and she was happy. As we got closer to the house, I got really scared. Danny stopped about a block from the house and asked if I was okay. I told him that this house was the closest to Sarah that I've been.
We drove up to it and I saw the big black iron fence that led to the backyard where the pool was. I kept picturing what must have happened the day she drowned in the pool and why wasn't that fence closed? She was only three and a half!
Then, I saw their house and thought it to be plain and ugly. It had no characteristics and seemed very dark. I kept thinking about everything that must have happened in that yard that day and that it shouldn't have happened. I told Danny that I wanted to see the pool. He said, "Maybe next time,"because we already had enough to deal with today. I said, "Yeah, next time." We both knew there would not be a next time. We got the hell outa there.
The next stop on my map was the cemetery. This is what I was dreading, I was hoping that there wasn't enough time, but we had three hours before the meeting with the Judge and the courthouse was just a couple blocks away. I told Danny that if her grave is here, it will be the first time I have seen her birthdate written. I hoped to God it wasn't November 6th. He did not know this. My stomach was starting to hurt and I was having sharp pains in my side. I remembered what my mother always tells me when she knows I'm stressed. In mid sentence, she says: "Breathe, Tina, breathe. I realized that I wasn't taking full breaths, and now I know what the hell she means when she says this. Moms are so smart!
We pulled into the cemetery and all I saw was rows and rows of headstones. I hadn't even thought of how we were going to find it. Danny must have been reading my mind, because he said that we would just have to get out and look for it. He took one half of the rows and I took the other. As I looked at these headstones and read all the names, it became so real! I saw a lot of Sarah's and most of the headstones were written in Hebrew. I thought to myself that if her headstone was written in Hebrew, I might totally lose the little sanity I had left.
I turned a corner and there was a huge headstone with the family's name and Sarah. I saw the death date as March, and the birthdate was in August, not November. I called Danny and I yelled that the birth was not November! He came over and pointed out that this Sarah was also 70 years old! I guess I wanted it so bad, that I didn't see it clearly. I told Danny I felt like a complete ass and, of course, he was sure to point out that "it wasn't the first time and it won't be the last." He made me smile. I was glad he was there.
We were on the last few rows, when I heard Danny call me in a voice that told me he found it. I no longer wanted to run, I didn't want to move. As I got closer to him, I saw tears in his eyes and he said, "It's her, it's November 6th." I didn't want to hear these words, and my last little glimmer of hope was now gone. I lost it, and Danny held me while I cried all the tears I've held in for these last eight months.
I kneeled down and looked at the headstone and told Danny she's so close, but yet she is so far. He left me alone and I had another good cry. I looked at her headstone and thought it looked just like the house, so plain and ugly. There were no special sayings or even a design of some kind, all it had was her name, birth date and death date. On the headstone there was three rocks and on the back was Hebrew writings. I didn't know what these things meant, and even here at her grave, once again, I felt like the stranger in a world full of secrets.
At this point, all I felt was hatred toward everyone that was involved. And, I was angry at myself for letting this happen. She's lying in the ground...why?
I asked Danny if he would get the pictures that I have in my wallet of the ones that Becky did for the web page. I took off the cross necklace that Travis had given me that morning and I laid the pictures, the cross necklace and a rock to hold them down on her headstone. I didn't care if the Jewish don't agree with crosses, it was what I wanted to leave for my daughter. I somehow felt that she didn't belong there either.
We were now on our way to the courthouse, and I had mascara from my face, to my dress and stickerburrs stuck all over my pantyhose. I looked at Danny and told him, "Boy, don't I look like the typical birthmother!" We had a good laugh.
On the way to the courthouse, I began to get nervous again and told Danny I felt like I was going to puke again. He told me that I had said that all day and haven't yet. He then said, This is one hell of a roller coaster ride, isn't it. I was shocked that he said that, and that he was feeling some of the same things as I was. He always seems to act like he doesn't care, then he said something like this that blows me away! Men, they are one of God's strange creations!
When we got to the courthouse, we had to wait about an hour. I think I went to the bathroom five times and smoked a whole pack of cigarettes during that time. The Judge finally called us in and it was nothing like I thought it would be. She said that she was very sorry to hear what happened with my child, and said it was sad. Then, she asked me what papers I wanted from my file. I had an answer for everything, but the question of what I wanted! I told her that I thought there was one big file with everything in it and it sorta came as a group or something. She laughed and started rattling off different names of all the files. I was lost at this point and felt myself start to cry. She asked me for my legal name back then, but I couldn't open my mouth without losing it so Danny answered for me and explained that we had just come from the graveyard and that I was a little shaken.
She was very compassionate. I then told her that I had requested my relinquishment papers from Gladney but was turned down, and that those were the only papers I knew about. She then said that she would get my files from the warehouse and send me copies. I asked her what her thoughts were on me writing a letter to the adoptive parents directly and not through Gladney. She said that I have every right to ask for pictures and such and that should not be an issue. She gave me some good advice on what to write and thought that I should have already received these.
Danny asked about birth and death certificates, and she told us that she thought these were available to the public. Danny said, "yes, except to birthmothers." She told me to call my State Representative and ask him for help and also to support a bill that will allow records like these to be opened after a child dies.
We were about to go home, when I told Danny I wanted to make one more stop. He knew it was to Gladney. I was feeling a bit cocky and I no longer needed anything from them so we drove there to take a tour and show Danny what it was like.
Next Issue: Tina Visits The Gladney Center and Hears from Sarah's Adoptive Mother
Last updated September 12, 1997