Upon Being Touched and Transformed By Adoption
by Alicia Lanier
Upon Being Touched and Transformed By Adoption
by Alicia Lanier
We have a new baby in our family. An infant girl. I was privileged to hold this tiny, fragile bundle all wrapped securely in a light summer blanket when she had been in this world for only four days. She's precious, of course, and is the second child for my eldest nephew, and his wife. They're proud. I'm proud for them and for the grandparents, my brother and sister-in-law.
It shouldn't make a difference that this newborn, like their five-year-old busy bee of a son is adopted. And, in daily routine, it doesn't. This young couple in their early 30s nurtures both their children as if they'd been born for the role. Indeed, they have rehearsed emotionally and mentally for too many years. She was pregnant several times, only to suffer miscarriages and then, tragically, two infants carried to near-term and lost within hours of birth.
So you know how our family and their friends rooted for them when they finally made the decision to adopt. This is not a process, by the way, to be taken lightly. There are the endless forms, then endless questions, then an endless invasion of privacy to assure they are quite fit to parent. It's a routine of research and evaluation that no biological parents are asked to endure.
This young adoptive mother is adopted herself and has never searched for birthfamily. Perhaps because of her adoption or because most birthparents today want to know who is adopting their infants, she and my nephew chose a more open adoption path than the one of keeping identities secret and pretending that adoptive parenting is no different than biological parenting. They met both birthmothers and even installed an 800 number during recent months for the young woman who birthed their baby girl; she lives several hundred miles away.
Both birthmothers selected them producing another discomfort that adoptive parents must endure, the pressure to prove themselves worthy. Sometimes there can be painful consequences of building a relationship with a young pregnant woman considering adoption. Like last year, on top of all the losses this young couple had already endured, they were chosen by a young pregnant woman to parent her baby who, after the birth, decided to parent herself. They were devastated.
At the time, I was not aware of this disappointment. But I did notice that my madcap, sociable nephew was subdued and brusque in family gatherings. After inquiring about this, I heard the news and realized that, no matter the rightness of a woman deciding not to relinquish her infant for adoption, there is intense pain (a feeling of being rejected?) by a couple who had already imagined themselves as parents. Who had a nursery ready. Who had told friends and family about the impending birth and their joy about being chosen as the adopting parents. For those of us who believe in divine order, my nephew and his wife were obviously meant to parent the newborn now in their family. But even this joy is tempered with caution. Over lunch last week, my sister-in-law said how glad she was to have been able to meet the birthmother. Then, she expressed the anxiety every adoptive parent (and their parents) feel until an adoption is final: The fear that the birthparents will change their mind. In Texas, the possibility is remote that any infant would be taken away from the adopting family. A birthmother signs what is considered to be an irrevocable, permanent contract when she affixes her name to an adoption relinquishment.
There is always the possibility that an agency or judge would honor a change of heart but only if the birthmother changed her decision within hours or a few days. Otherwise, the adopting couple would have to show themselves unfit before the placement would be reversed.
As a birthmother myself, I am uncomfortable with the idea of a pregnant woman selecting adoptive parents for her baby before the birth. Making an adoption decision while pregnant is far different than making it afterwards. Holding her baby after the miracle of birth...and bonding...can melt away any and all reasons for not keeping: societal disapproval, feeling young or inadequate to parent, wanting more education or money. Yet this new mother may have grown to love the adopting couple - and feel obligated to give them the infant. Which she may later regret. Or, she might change her mind, breaking her promise to two hurt, disappointed people who wanted to be parents.
Item: My sister is married to a man whose father was adopted. Item: Before marrying, my other sister dated an adoptee and facilitated his search. Item: The father of all my children, my ex-husband, remarried; his wife had two adopted children.
I have still one more adoption connection provided by my 28-year-old working her way through life and school as a nanny for a physician and his wife. My daughter tried most colleges in North Texas and worked in a Nevada Casino, managed a child care facility, and guided tours for a Branson, Mo., winery. Then she met a couple planning to adopt. Kath told them our adoption story, and they hired her. Kath was there when they brought the two-day-old infant home and they're now largely inseparable. Another case of divine order?
I'm Mama Kay to the doll of a toddler we call Miss Lynda and having her participate in the fabric of my life has helped heal my birthmother woundedness. Why? Maybe it's as simple as loving this little adoptee deeply, which may reassure me that my birthchildren were loved just as truly. In any event, when Kath was married at Lake Tahoe last fall, Miss Lynda and her parents made the trip. And, she comes to my home with Kath to cuddle Kitty Sasha... we go to lunch...and I've babysat with her. I'm invited to her birthday parties and to pop in at Christmastime. I love her like family.
So, the way we are touched by adoption is not always simple, and we must keep our hearts open. Whether we're birthparents like myself or adopting parents like my nephew and his wife... for adoptees like Miss Lynda, my great-nephew and his new baby sister.
Last updated September 12, 1997